The term ‘coming out’ is a weird one for me. I get why it’s used, and understand that a lot of gay people find it extremely difficult to tell anyone about their sexuality, but for us it wasn’t like that. We weren’t lesbians before, had never been in other same sex relationships and didn’t feel that way towards other girls, or each other. This wasn’t a secret we’d been hiding for years, and in actual fact it didn’t take us long, once we’d admitted it to ourselves, to tell our friends and family. To be honest admitting it to ourselves was probably the hardest thing in all of this.
In the beginning when Dory and I were friends, that’s all we were…friends! We never went over that line, feelings of that nature had never actually crossed our minds. We did normal things together, hung out, got drunk (a LOT!) went on road trips etc… but there was a group of us, it wasn’t ever just the 2 of us. That is until our other close friend, Dory’s housemate (her right arm) left for 6 months to work abroad. I knew that this would knock her for six and so as a friend I stepped up. I can’t bare to see anyone upset, and now stood in front of me was a little lost soul who was upset and vulnerable, so I made it my duty to help her get through…that’s just the kind of person I am. I think that was the turning point for Dory.
To start with she would send me sweet texts telling me how lovely I was, and I would return the compliment. We would text constantly, but I knew this was helping so didn’t ever think this was strange. I also stayed round whenever she asked but it wasn’t ever like that! We would hug a lot, there’s nothing better than a hug and I knew Dory needed them, so I was more than happy to give, but as far as physical contact went that was it! As far as I was concerned we were just really close friends, best friends. I was unaware, however that Dory was starting to feel different!
I would send a card to Dory when she was feeling particularly down, and she’d reply with a letter back. I loved this but wouldn’t dare tell anyone. Although I didn’t think there was anything in it, I knew other people might find it a bit strange, and I did care what people thought, maybe too much!
Dory then started telling me how beautiful I was and that I was a gorgeous girl. I don’t have a lot of confidence in my looks so to be told that is just a huge compliment, and I knew she was saying it so that one day I’d believe it myself. We would send several friendship quotes daily and began referring to ourselves as ‘soul mates’ we knew we had a different relationship to ordinary friends, ours was on another level. We confided in each other with everything, and shared our deepest darkest secrets, things I thought I’d never tell anyone I felt more than comfortable telling her. And we would joke that if in 20 years time we were both still single, we’d consider being lesbians with each other!!!
I’m not sure when the cuddling actually started. We would lie next to each other and then end up spooning, or wrapping our arms around each other. It felt comfortable, and although I knew other people wouldn’t get it, it didn’t feel weird to us, in fact we joked we’d become addicted to each other.
Dory started coming to mine in the evening, even if it was just for an hour, and we’d just lay there cuddling and talking. I’d go to hers and we’d do the same, and quite often we’d fall asleep and I’d end up leaving after midnight to go back home. Dory also started kissing me on the lips when we said goodbye, just a quick peck. I have other friends that I’m happy to kiss on the lips as well though, so didn’t think too much of this, but I never told anyone, I didn’t want people thinking we we’re obsessed and couldn’t go a day without seeing each other! But the whole sneaking around also made me feel a bit uneasy. It felt like we had something to hide, and I didn’t want to feel like that.
My head was all over the place. I found myself googling “cuddling and kissing your best friend, is this wrong?” Obviously loads of articles about being gay came up, but I was in denial. I’d scroll through until I found an article that said this was perfectly normal, just to make me feel better. I would constantly try to justify what we were doing, really homed in on the fact we were just soul mates and if it made us feel comfortable then what was the harm?! But I could feel myself falling deeper and I know Dory was already feeling this way.
One night when I was out with other friends getting drunk, I was texting Dory and we got onto the subject of kissing and being Gay. Maybe she was just being random, or maybe she took advantage of the fact I was drunk (and apparently the truth comes out when you’re drunk) but she asked “If you knew it would go no further, would you kiss me?” And I replied “yes I’d kiss you, I want to kiss you, I want to rip your clothes off!!!!!!” Omg I don’t even know where that came from, but I was rather mortified the next day and had to try and laugh it off with Dory and put it down to the vast amount of alcohol that had been consumed. But there was no going back now, I’d said it and I now we both couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I remember being at work one day, not long after this when Dory sent a heartfelt message stating her feelings towards me. She said she pictured us being a perfect little family together, and having more kids and growing old together, and the thought of that not happening scared her. Although she couldn’t quite get her head around the sexual crap at the moment, maybe we wouldn’t need that in the relationship??!! She also said she was sure I feIt the same way but was too scared to admit it. I felt sick, my head was in a whirl. I didn’t know what to think, I couldn’t talk to anyone about this, only her, and at the moment I was in complete shock.
I tried to talk Dory round about her feelings, told her she was just feeling this way because I showed her affection and she’s not used to it. I also said that she was just feeling lonely, and that when a man came along she’d feel completely different. But I knew deep down that none of this was true. And I knew in my heart that I wanted all the things she’d talked about, I wanted a life with Dory.
I can’t be Gay though, can I?!
Then came the particular night that we got drunk together. We were at a house party and the alcohol was flowing nicely, and so were the jelly shots…always fatal!!!! I don’t know how it happened but I was upstairs having a lay down while waiting for the loo, as you do!! When Dory came into the room and the next minute we were full on kissing, and it honestly felt like the most natural thing in the world. It helped that she was a very good kisser! After that night we couldn’t deny it any longer, and although we were both the most scared we’d ever been in our lives, we knew we had each other and that’s all that really mattered.
We decided, only a week after becoming official to tell our very close friend first. I just needed to see someone’s reaction and get their thoughts. I also knew she’d pass no judgement and is in no way prejudiced against Gay people. We were both so scared but seriously could not have asked for a better reaction, she was so happy for us and extremely supportive, we’ve actually nicknamed her our ‘Fairy Gay Mother.’ She even personalised a candle and a cocktail glass for both of us with the words ‘Love is Love’ on, which says it all really.
The hardest part was telling our families. My Mum was shocked to say the least, and for a split second actually refused to believe it, but then apologised straight away and now couldn’t be more supportive. I think it’s the fact she never saw it coming, but then neither did we. Dory’s family were the same, to be honest they were less shocked but it still takes some getting used to. Our biggest hurdles we’re our sisters (we each have one) and although they completely accept and support us, a sisters bond is like nothing else and the thought of another girl coming into the equation, I suppose posed some sort of threat. But all of those fears have gone out of the window now, and we have an amazing support network around us.
And now we’re enGAYged to be married, and it looks like we’ll both get to live out our dream….life is perfect!
Love is Love ❤💛💙💜💚
“Do we have to know who’s Gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?” ~ Ellen
2 Birds 1 Love xxx